What if every morning, when you woke up and then left for work, there was a guy standing on the other side of your door and every morning he was like “Hey. Come ride this horse I just found.” (note: every morning he finds a new horse and by nightfall, somehow ‘misplaces’ that horse but that’s the thing about horses: there’s always more to find). And every morning you’re like “Yo, should I?” but you don’t because you’re not quite sure if that’s a fire-able offense, and, see most likely it isn’t but then you’re going to be seen as the crazy person who accepted a ride on a stray horse owned by a guy who has jelly beans taped to his shirt. (and there’s a bunch ‘o beans hidden in his pubes but you haven’t actually seen it. He just offers this information freely to you. In fact, after he says the first sentence about riding the horse he notices you eyeing the candy and says “There’s more of that. In my nut hair.”) And, so, you don’t ride the horse because reputation is everything, right? But then you start thinking about that. Like what does that mean? Reputation? Really, ultimately, it’s whatever you want it to be. And right now, every morning, you’re letting some dicks in cubicles nudge you into the safe decision of not ditching work to ride a horse, side-saddle. Always side-saddle. So under used. It’s like sitting on a roving bench. The houses zip by you like speeding filmstrips. But look. HEY. LOOK. I get it. You’re never going to ride the horse to just RIDE the horse. You’re doing it so you can say how crazy this thing was that happened. The second your ass hits that soft, silken back, your milky mind fast forwards to friends crowded around plastic pitchers of beer, your hands out in front of you, their eyes following you like cats stalking a fly. Look, just ride the fucking horse. And eat the jelly beans. He’s clean.
Me: Tony, why didn’t your reality show “Teach: Tony Danza,” go off the air?
Tony Danza: Legal battles over my constant use of the words “hand job” in the classroo–OH FUCK A SEAPLANE
WE SHOULD REALLY TALK ABOUT DORVID.
AT LEAST, I WOULD
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HIM.
FINISH YOUR DRINK FIRST.
THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME
TO TALK ABOUT DORVID.
I MEAN, WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
I JUST THINK YOU GUYS WOULD REALLY GET ALONG.
BUT – TRUST ME – CRAZY IN A GOOD WAY.
YOU BOTH LIKE SNAKES.
YOU’RE STILL INTO SNAKES, RIGHT?
HE HAS TWO SNAKES. I THINK
ONE IS POISONOUS AND ALSO ILLEGAL.
AM I TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT DORVID?
WE COULD JUST DESIGNATE SOME
TIME TO DORVID SO WE’RE BOTH
BETTER PREPARED, LIKE: THE SCHEDULED DAILY-DORVID-CHAT
IS AT THE SAME TIME EVERYDAY,
SO IT DOESN’T JUST COME OUT
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING FUNNY?
WHEN I FIRST MET DORVID,
I THOUGH HIS NAME WAS
“DORVIT” WITH A T.
THAT WAS EMBARRASSING!
I THOUGHT THAT WAS HIS NAME
AND THEN, ONE OF HIS FRIENDS WAS LIKE: “YOU’RE SAYING IT WRONG,” AND,
I WENT RED AND SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
HOW THE IPAD IS A ‘GAME-CHANGER’
AND THEN I CONFESSED TO DORVID
ABOUT THE NAME CONFUSION AND
HE SAID – AND I THINK HE LAUGHED BEFORE HE SAID IT –
(YOU NEVER KNOW WITH DORVID. SO UNPREDICTABLE!!)
HE SAID: “OH. THAT’S FUNNY.” WHICH IS
AND THEN IT WAS FINE AFTER THAT.
DORVID IS GREAT LIKE THAT. HE’S ALWAYS LIKE:
WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR DRINK
WE CAN TALK MORE ABOUT HIM.
1. Fred Flintstone.
2. Storm’s a comin’!
3. Stop begging
3. Whistles (5)
4. Book about buying shoes
5. BE HEALTHIER!
7. The Pogues – Greatest Hits
8. Buy socks for mom
9. Still need to buy whistles
10. Tell that kid to shut up more so he finally learns
11. Cucumbers (salad later?)
12. Stripes don’t work
13. Neighbor keeps ringing bells
14. Stop thinking about horses
A Man who thinks he’s taken his wife to a standup comedy club but has actually stumbled into a vacuuming sales convention and the head of sales is delivering the keynote speechMarch 1st, 2012
[They are sitting at a table. Wife looks anxious, the man is slapping himself, gasping for air.]
MAN: This guy is killing me! Honey– can you believe this?!
WIFE: I um, I think–
SPEAKER: We can see sales on the Oreck have gone up.
MAN: AHAHAHAHAH! WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY GO? God, it’s funniest when you can relate. [stands up.] We want more!
We want more!
WIFE: Gerald! Gerald! Sit–sit!
MAN: This guy deserves it.
VACUUM ANDROID: I don’t think this is appropriate.
MAN: [sitting] Did we get the minimum drinks yet? Waitress! [leans over to his wife] I hope he ends with “Try the veal”
SPEAKER: [peeved] The latest technology is a small filter that has yet to be patented. The filter will catch smaller artifacts thathe normal filter. In fact–it has been tested on fibre–
MAN: WHO VACUUMS FIBRE!?!? My god. This better than that Arsenio show! Whoop! Whoop, right?
VACUUM ANDROID: I vacuum fibre.
Man Made of Bees: I am. It just looks like I’m standing because of all the bees.
Which was a really bad screenplay about modern FM radio:
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM, NIGHT.
Casey walks into the doorway.
Um, we’re gonna smoke out of that shark. If you want some.
I’m fine for now, thanks.
Neil is a big man, but not too big. He can fit in a normal bed and wear mostly normal clothes and doesn’t need any sort of oversized washcloth when he bathes. He’s just bigger than most people, and really, it’s got to be a good thing. Sure, most people gawk at him because his forehead sticks out pretty far and he’s got the biggest chin anyone has ever seen, but they never say “Wow, that guy is too big.” or anything like that.
The Bearmen were mostly a group of men who thought they were bears in another life and didn’t want to deny their Bear pasts. Some Bearmen were even more enthusiastic about it, however, and believed they were actually bears, and had been bears all their lives but were mistakenly given the unfortunate costume of a human being. But mostly, it was just a bunch of lonely guys that liked putting on giant bear heads.
There wasn’t much to do that day, so Joe and Gus went down to the boat rental basement and got themselves a little schooner. They took that thing out to the middle of the Atlantic and sat there, taking it all in and then Joe said “Do you think I left my oven on?”
[INT. NEWSROOM - EVENING]
THIS HERE IS THE NEWS
TWO MEN DIED TODAY ON A FOOTBALL FIELD.
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW
YOU’RE SITTING THERE IN YOUR LITTLE CHAMBERS OR WHATEVER SITTING AROUND THINKING YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION, LIKE, “OH I WONDER WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE WHOLE IRAN VS. ISRAEL MATCHUP,” OR “WHAT IS MY UNCLE DOING RIGHT NOW WHY DON’T I CHECK OUT HIS BLOG?”
WELL, YOU DON’T
YOU DON’T NEED MORE INFORMATION
THERE WAS A FOOTBALL FIELD AND TWO MEN DIED ON IT
WHY DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT THAT FOR AWHILE
THOSE TWO MEN HAD PARENTS, DIDN’T THEY
THEY WEREN’T SOME TEST TUBE BABIES
I DON’T KNOW A LOT ABOUT THEM THOUGH
BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD
I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT
THEY ARE GONE, JUST LIKE THAT
BUT, LIKE, REALLY THINK ABOUT IT
TO YOUR BULLSHIT
“OH THE TRAINS WERE SLOW TODAY”
SHUT UP ABOUT THE TRAINS
“OH THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE KIND OF BAGEL I LIKE AT AU BON PAIN”
SHUT UP ABOUT AU BON PAIN
“OH MODERN FAMILY IS A REPEAT”
SHUT UP ABOUT CONTRIVANCE
TWO MEN DIED
ON A FOOTBALL FIELD
NOW SOMEONE DO THE LOTTO NUMBERS OR I’M GONNA GET LIVID
1. Leon wakes up