Jake Goldman Will Throw You Into A Volcano

Look, it’s basically 90 to 94 percent mental. Aren’t all things, when you think about them? That’s the key. You’ll probably read all these things about training, and plyometrics and “ramping up,” or “tapering off,” whatever the hell that means. But listen, there’s a lot of people that run marathons, and there’s a lot of people that lose. All those people read the same training manuals over and over again and gather around organic brunches talking about their training programs with their “running buddies,” but none of them ever win a marathon. Why? They don’t work out the one muscle that’s most crucial: the inner-brain muscle.

Step One: Don’t Visualize Too Hard

Let’s be honest: things never work out like you plan. That date you had with the unreasonably attractive waitress, I’m sure you had it all planned out in your mind: a nice dinner at a restaurant that WASN’T the one at which she worked, a movie, preferably in the Wes Anderson family to show that you are quirky yet accessible, and then a glass of wine at some bar that has steel-top tables and a waitstaff that wear converse sneakers. Laid-back, hip, but attentive, right? But then you find out that the only reason she works at that restaurant in the first place is because she’s allergic to everything else, Wes Anderson was responsible for her parent’s divorce (her father is Danny Glover) and that winebar is actually a front for the city’s biggest PCP dealer and if you try to drink the wine, you’ll end up trying to throw a car off the Williamsburg bridge, from the additional strength you gain from liquefied PCP. In short: expectations are never met, things aren’t what they seem, so stop trying to be some sort of mind-magician.

Don’t picture yourself winning the race, but don’t picture yourself losing. Just picture something insane like a bunch of talking candles at war with every single member of the 1993 Chicago Bulls. That’s so crazy, you know it won’t happen and before you know it, you’ll be at the finish line. Will you be depressed when you just see a bunch of people congratulating you? Yes, absolutely because you wanted to see that candle thing; you got so into it. But, ultimately, you’ll win because you’ll be running so hard, hoping to see Horace Grant arguing with a tea-candle at the finish line, you’ll practically knock over all those Kenyans.

Step Two: Don’t Pace Yourself

You hear all this crazy stuff about starting off slow, or really pacing yourself or some other crazy Dogma that doesn’t actually work. Look, you have to run what you FEEL. If you feel like sprinting a bunch at the beginning, don’t fight it. You’ll definitely be in first for a little bit and all those crazy assholes with the bright yellow tank tops and sunglasses will be left in dust, clinging to their misleading running magazines. They’ll be like “What? Who is this guy, why is he wearing jeans, and why is he running so fast? Should I do that? My running magazine said not to. But he’s really fast. Oh, darn it. I’m just going to quit.” One by one, those guys just drop out due to confusion and probably have to get shame-divorces with their wives.

Even if you run really fast in the beginning and start to feel tired quickly, there are ways to get around this, which leads me to step three: Don’t Act Like You’re in a Marathon.

The WORST thing you can do is to act as if you’re running a road race against thousands of people. All these other guys know that and are expecting it. So, do something different. What I recommend is that you pretend like you’re in a really huge supermarket but you’re confused because it’s never usually this crowded, even on a Sunday, and you’re a little bit disappointed because you thought you were the only white person who knew about it. It was your little secret this supermarket, and it was the only place you could get that weird looking yogurt that all the magazines are talking about.

So, if you feel yourself getting tired and all those fast fucks or whatever are coming up behind, just try and stay even with them and say things like “Hey, do you know if they’re out of beets? I’m trying to impress this girl with dinner, but the only thing she will ever eat is beets. I can’t find them.” Now, here is a secret no one has told you: runners are a kindly folk. They know you aren’t inside a supermarket, but they want to be helpful. They’ll slow down to you and start asking things like “Well, does she like any other root vegetables? You could make some kind of ratatouille – that might be a little too ambitious, but if you pull it off, I’m sure she’d be impressed.” And then what you do is say that your friend is off to the side and he has a pen and paper and you ask the runner if he can go write it down, his personal recipe for ratatouille, the one that’s been in his family for ages. He’ll probably be like “Look, I’d really love to, but I’m kind of running this marathon right now, which any other day I wouldn’t care, but–” And then you just start shaking your head and say “You’re all the same, aren’t you?”

“No, no!” the runner will say. “You’ve got it all wrong. Okay, fine, I’ll write it down, it won’t take long anyway. Where is your friend?” Jackpot. You don’t have any friends, but you tell him your friend with the pen is inside that donut shop drinking a cup of coffee. He’ll sprint over and have a very confusing conversation with a Rabbi. (The rabbi owns the coffee shop, which is actually another front for drugs, this time it’s an Aspirin front. Confusion, again, will lead to the resignation of yet another runner)

Now, of course, not everyone will speak perfect English. In these instances, you will need to use hand signals to throw a runner off. What I do is use the international sign for “You’ve got something on your face.” Basically, you establish eye contact with the runner, and then squint, focusing on his chin. The runner will look at you confusedly and mouth “What?” maybe even shrug his shoulders. Then, what you do is crane your neck and brush your chin with your right thumb a few times. This will totally fuck with the runner. You see, all runners are pretty vain–that’s why they run. A lot of them have weird faces and are trying to make up for it by shaping and toning their quads and calves. And surprisingly, it works, a lot of women stare at their calves and compliment them on how chiseled they appear. The runner might ask “Yes, but what about my hideously large nose,” to which women will reply “I didn’t even know you had a nose.” Despite this, runners are still very self conscious since the marathon is on national television, and will immediately sprint to find a mirror and wipe whatever horrid substance might be on their face. As a bonus, try to do this while you’re passing a mirror store. Inevitably, the runner will try to haggle, which the mirror proprietor will really get into because, you know, what else does he really have going on? (Most mirror stores do NOT offer free “looks.” Bad business, in every sense). Because the mirror store proprietor just sits around looking at himself all day (not because he wants to), he’ll enjoy the conversation and drag it out until he agrees to give the runner the mirror for free. But then, the mirror proprietor will realize how insane that is and start running after the guy, and like I said — runners are polite — so that runner will stop, ask what the problem is, and of course agree at how ridiculous a free mirror is, especially one as ornate as the one he’s carrying under his shoulder. I mean, the craftsmanship and detail put into the border would suggest it’s entirely handmade, so they will settle on a fine price of fifty dollars. Of course, the runner won’t have any cash on him because he’ll be wearing those ridiculous shorts that have that really uncomfortable mesh lining and the shop-owner will become furious, and demand that the runner give up his shoes, a pair he might be able to re-sell for around fifty dollars.

So, these are just a few tools you might use to win a marathon. The other tool you can use is a sledgehammer, the song by Peter Gabriel.