Me: Tony, why didn’t your reality show “Teach: Tony Danza,” go off the air?
Tony Danza: Legal battles over my constant use of the words “hand job” in the classroo–OH FUCK A SEAPLANE
POEM FOR YOUR FUCKING LITERARY MAGAZINE
May 2nd, 2012WE SHOULD REALLY TALK ABOUT DORVID.
AT LEAST, I WOULD
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT HIM.
FINISH YOUR DRINK FIRST.
THERE IS PLENTY OF TIME
TO TALK ABOUT DORVID.
I MEAN, WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT HIM.
I JUST THINK YOU GUYS WOULD REALLY GET ALONG.
HE’S CRAZY!
BUT – TRUST ME – CRAZY IN A GOOD WAY.
AND,
YOU BOTH LIKE SNAKES.
YOU’RE STILL INTO SNAKES, RIGHT?
HE HAS TWO SNAKES. I THINK
ONE IS POISONOUS AND ALSO ILLEGAL.
AM I TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT DORVID?
WE COULD JUST DESIGNATE SOME
TIME TO DORVID SO WE’RE BOTH
BETTER PREPARED, LIKE: THE SCHEDULED DAILY-DORVID-CHAT
IS AT THE SAME TIME EVERYDAY,
SO IT DOESN’T JUST COME OUT
OF NOWHERE.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING FUNNY?
WHEN I FIRST MET DORVID,
I THOUGH HIS NAME WAS
“DORVIT” WITH A T.
THAT WAS EMBARRASSING!
I THOUGHT THAT WAS HIS NAME
FOR, LIKE,
THREE
WEEKS.
AND THEN, ONE OF HIS FRIENDS WAS LIKE: “YOU’RE SAYING IT WRONG,” AND,
I WENT RED AND SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
HOW THE IPAD IS A ‘GAME-CHANGER’
(I AGREE)
AND THEN I CONFESSED TO DORVID
ABOUT THE NAME CONFUSION AND
HE SAID – AND I THINK HE LAUGHED BEFORE HE SAID IT –
(YOU NEVER KNOW WITH DORVID. SO UNPREDICTABLE!!)
HE SAID: “OH. THAT’S FUNNY.” WHICH IS
COMPLETELY TRUE.
AND THEN IT WAS FINE AFTER THAT.
DORVID IS GREAT LIKE THAT. HE’S ALWAYS LIKE:
“WHATEVER! SHOTS!”
ANYWAY.
WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR DRINK
WE CAN TALK MORE ABOUT HIM.
DORVID.
A Very Arbitrary List
March 9th, 20121. Fred Flintstone.
2. Storm’s a comin’!
3. Stop begging
3. Whistles (5)
4. Book about buying shoes
5. BE HEALTHIER!
6. forgeqm0459m050g09m0g90ng
7. The Pogues – Greatest Hits
8. Buy socks for mom
9. Still need to buy whistles
10. Tell that kid to shut up more so he finally learns
11. Cucumbers (salad later?)
12. Stripes don’t work
13. Neighbor keeps ringing bells
14. Stop thinking about horses
A Man who thinks he’s taken his wife to a standup comedy club but has actually stumbled into a vacuuming sales convention and the head of sales is delivering the keynote speech
March 1st, 2012[They are sitting at a table. Wife looks anxious, the man is slapping himself, gasping for air.]
MAN: This guy is killing me! Honey– can you believe this?!
WIFE: I um, I think–
SPEAKER: We can see sales on the Oreck have gone up.
MAN: AHAHAHAHAH! WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY GO? God, it’s funniest when you can relate. [stands up.] We want more!
We want more!
WIFE: Gerald! Gerald! Sit–sit!
MAN: This guy deserves it.
VACUUM ANDROID: I don’t think this is appropriate.
MAN: [sitting] Did we get the minimum drinks yet? Waitress! [leans over to his wife] I hope he ends with “Try the veal”
SPEAKER: [peeved] The latest technology is a small filter that has yet to be patented. The filter will catch smaller artifacts thathe normal filter. In fact–it has been tested on fibre–
MAN: WHO VACUUMS FIBRE!?!? My god. This better than that Arsenio show! Whoop! Whoop, right?
VACUUM ANDROID: I vacuum fibre.
Hey man made of bees, sit down in the front of the movie theatre.
February 22nd, 2012Man Made of Bees: I am. It just looks like I’m standing because of all the bees.
An Excerpt From My Shitty Undergraduate Thesis
February 21st, 2012Which was a really bad screenplay about modern FM radio:
INT. JACK’S BEDROOM, NIGHT.
Casey walks into the doorway.
CASEY
Um, we’re gonna smoke out of that shark. If you want some.
JACK
I’m fine for now, thanks.
CASEY
Totally.
AND NOW, HERE’S THE NEWS
February 9th, 2012[INT. NEWSROOM - EVENING]
THIS HERE IS THE NEWS
TWO MEN DIED TODAY ON A FOOTBALL FIELD.
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW
YOU’RE SITTING THERE IN YOUR LITTLE CHAMBERS OR WHATEVER SITTING AROUND THINKING YOU NEED MORE INFORMATION, LIKE, “OH I WONDER WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE WHOLE IRAN VS. ISRAEL MATCHUP,” OR “WHAT IS MY UNCLE DOING RIGHT NOW WHY DON’T I CHECK OUT HIS BLOG?”
WELL, YOU DON’T
YOU DON’T NEED MORE INFORMATION
THERE WAS A FOOTBALL FIELD AND TWO MEN DIED ON IT
WHY DON’T YOU THINK ABOUT THAT FOR AWHILE
THOSE TWO MEN HAD PARENTS, DIDN’T THEY
THEY DID
THEY WEREN’T SOME TEST TUBE BABIES
I DON’T KNOW A LOT ABOUT THEM THOUGH
BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER NOW BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD
I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT IT
THEY ARE GONE, JUST LIKE THAT
BUT, LIKE, REALLY THINK ABOUT IT
IN RELATION
TO YOUR BULLSHIT
“OH THE TRAINS WERE SLOW TODAY”
SHUT UP ABOUT THE TRAINS
“OH THEY DIDN’T HAVE THE KIND OF BAGEL I LIKE AT AU BON PAIN”
SHUT UP ABOUT AU BON PAIN
“OH MODERN FAMILY IS A REPEAT”
SHUT UP ABOUT CONTRIVANCE
TWO MEN DIED
ON A FOOTBALL FIELD
NOW SOMEONE DO THE LOTTO NUMBERS OR I’M GONNA GET LIVID
Leon’s Mistakes
December 24th, 20111. Leon wakes up
Q: Should I Own A Bird? – Jane, in Austin, 33
December 16th, 2011A: This not a question easily answered by me, since I would never own an animal that doesn’t have a rectum. Do you think I can afford to have bird shit all over my stuff? I have two HD televisions. My headphones are made of carbonite. I park my car in my living room. I can’t have birds just flying everywhere, unaware of the fact that they’re just shitting on the things I own. But hey, don’t let me stop you from owning the bird of your dreams. You and your weird, pervert-dreams. Let me turn this question over to my Uncle Greg who has owned eleven birds in his lifetime. As a result, he has no fingers (falcons), so I will be typing everything he says.
What is this? A what? What is it for? A magazine? I read an article that said the magazine is dead. Give me that spoon. It has soup on it. Just put it in my mouth. GMDFGGFHFDHRBMRLE. God dammit. Forget it. What do you want to know? Birds? Who wants to own a bird? Jane in Austin? Jane Austen? Texas? I’m going to shit, you have to wipe me. Ok, ok. I’ll hold it.
Okay. Jane? Jane, should you own a bird? Well, I don’t know. What do you mean I’m a bird expert. Holy shit, this crap is peeking out my asshole. Alright, alright. Jane, you should own a bird. You’re lonely. You’re lonely because you’re asking this question in the first place. You’re asking it to a goddamn magazine, and as I’ve stated previously, the magazine is dead. And here’s the thing, a bird will provide you with companionship. Oh, sure, you’ll get a bird that can talk– like a cockatiel or a parakeet. And you’ll teach it your name, you’ll rub its little head and feed it little peanuts and, for awhile, you’ll think you’ve found the meaning of life. You’ll say “To hell with men! I’ve got you, Skeeter.” And you better believe you’ll name the thing Skeeter. They are always named Skeeter, Jane. I’d just like to warn you though, Jane. A bird won’t love you like you love bird. Inevitably, one night, when you’re asleep, envisioning yours and Skeeter’s lives together: taking a cruise, checking out Dave Matthews Band, finally opening that Jurassic Park-themed diner you’ve been yammering on about for years, on that night you’ll open your eyes — and that’ll be the last time because PECK-PECK, JANE! THERE GO YOUR IRISES – HEY, WHY ARE YOU TYPING IN CAPS – I CAN SEE THE TYPE-WRITER. I REALIZE I’M YELLING BUT THE ONLY REASON I’M YELLING IS BECAUSE I’M HOLDING IN A SHIT RIGHT NOW AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN TALK BECAUSE I’M CLENCHING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE CLENCHED IN A BODY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? DO YOU? OH, FUCK. I’M SHITTING RIGHT NOW. AT THIS VERY MOMENT. RIGHT NOW. DON’T TYPE THAT – IT’S NOT GONNA BE TIMELY WHEN THESE PEOPLE READ THE MAGAZINE, EVEN IF SOMEHOW, WHILE THEY’RE READING IT, I’M TAKING A SHIT BECAUSE IT’S NOT GONNA BE THIS SHIT, IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER SHIT, SOMEWHERE ELSE, SO THE CONTEXT WILL BE WILDLY DIFFERENT SINCE MOST OF THE SHITS I TAKE ARE ACTUALLY PLEASANT. SERIOUSLY, IT’S CRAWLING DOWN MY LEG. I CAN’T UNBUCKLE MY PANTS. YOU NEED FINGERS FOR THAT AND YOU KNOW THIS. AND YOU’RE SITTING THERE TYPING. OH HOLY HELL YOU ARE BUYING ME SOME DOCKERS.
Well, Jane, I hope that answers your query and, you know, quite honestly you can go right to hell if it doesn’t.