Chickens.

March 2nd, 2010

[A Police Sergeant is sitting at a desk doing paperwork. A subordinate of his enters the room tentatively. ]

COP: Sir?

SARGE: Any news?

COP: Yes, sir. It’s Chickens, sir. They have your daughter.

SARGE: Gimmie the phone. [Slams fist on table.]

COP: But protocol, sir?

SARGE: Nuts to your protocol- this is my daughter. [He picks up the phone. ]

SARGE: Hello? Chickens? Yes, you have my daughter? Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Yes, well -- I see. No. No, not ever. No, no, no. Well. Yes to that. Yes, the last one. The last thing you said. Oh, HO HO! Don’t you think you can talk to me like that. Yes. Yes, that’s better. No, softer. What do you want from me? Oh, REALLY? No, no, no – How dare you! I am a man. Yes I am. I am a man and a human being. Well that’s more than you can say for yourself. Ah-ha! No, I actually think that’s funny. Yes, you should be proud. Well, I know a few people in television, so I could try -- it’s really no problem – HEY! Give me back my daughter! What does that mean? [beat] No. not as funny. Close, though. WHAT? Well, if I had to say...I suppose Thriller. You, too, eh? I’m...free Sunday. Yes, I’ll hold. [Hold music.]

COP: What are they saying?

SARGE: I don’t really know. They’re chickens.

SARGE: [Hold music stops.] Yes, hello? Hmm. Yes, I see. No, no, I understand. Yes. Goodbye. Hm? Yes, I’ll call that producer for you. It’s not a problem. My pleasure. Bye, bye.

[Sarge hangs up. Looks ahead, absentmindedly.]

COP: Well?

SARGE: Oh, she’s dead.


Conversations With Hettler #014

March 2nd, 2010

Hettler:  There is a Pizzeria Uno’s on 86th and 3rd.  They don’t serve bread bowls anymore, though.

Jake: There is a Pizzeria Gayo’s inside your asshole.

Hettler: Probably!  I’ve put a lot of stuff in there.

Things I Hope My Doctor Says To Me Today

February 25th, 2010

1. Ok, so you have fourteen eyes all around your body.

2. Well, if you run fast enough, you should be able to fly.

3. Here’s the even BETTER news…!

4. It appears that you’ve swallowed a train.

5. You have “Mega-Man’s” Disease. You’ll be able to shoot little pellets out of your hands now. I’m so sorry.

6. We figured what that cough is…it’s your INNER PARTY ANIMAL TRYING TO GET OUT

7. The only side-effect is that you’ll pee out your fingers.

8. You only have one month to live. And then after that you’ll become wizard-like and live forever.

9. I have no idea what you have but hey, did you see this cool trick I can do on a yo-yo?

10. You are a failure.

[Originally posted on The Lonesome Lumberjack]